


Don't Talk to Spirits Before Getting Laid

by the_secret_aj



Category: The Seven Realms Series - Cinda Williams Chima
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, I don't actually hate Micah as much as this would lead you to believe., Not Beta Read, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:20:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25215367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_secret_aj/pseuds/the_secret_aj
Summary: in which I wrote the best Han/Fiona fic on this site.It's the ONLY Han/Fiona fic on this site.And even then, it's not exactly romantic.
Relationships: Han Alister/Fiona Bayar
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	Don't Talk to Spirits Before Getting Laid

**Author's Note:**

> a long time ago, in an AU where Han never meets Rasia far, far away...

Hanson Alister was getting _very_ sick of Micah Bayar. The arrogant blue-blood had tried to kill him multiple times at this point, and it was pissing him off. Micah didn’t Seem to care about the consequences of his actions, in fact the only thing the arrogant prick seemed to care about was getting his hands on the damn snake amulet. Han had half a mind to send it to the clans to get it melted down, just so he could spite Micah.

Speaking of spiting Micah, Han had come up with an excellent way of driving a shiv right into his metaphorical gut. Driving one into his literal gut was too easy. Micah’s sister, Fiona, was sweet on Han. while Han normally wouldn’t normally consider walking out with a blue-blood, let alone the sister of his rival, having her as a girlie on the down low would be quite cathartic. Han would also be lying if he said she didn't turn his head occasionally. That wasn’t even considering the chances of getting a few secrets or favors out of her. Han had been told by many girlies he was quite the demon in bed, but getting there was the first problem.

Han wasn’t a fool. He knew that if he just went up to Fiona and asked her for a lay like some sweet girl, not only would she turn him down, but she would know something was up. Say what you will about the Bayars (and Han had QUITE a lot to say about them), but being slow witted was not on the list. Han had to lead her on, make her think that he was just as sweet on her as she was on him.

Han started out small with her. A long stare here, a blush there, and he slowly built on that. Asking her for help with magic (not that he needed it, Crow was quite the teacher), as well as getting her to make sure that he wasn’t in the library when class started _it was becoming a real problem_. the "relationship" progressed into short make out sessions in empty hallways, and he even asked her to help him become better with acting like a blue-blood. Fiona was the first person he went to with the problem, but only because she was the only person he could go to about that problem.

Han had been very worried about how Crow would react to his ploy to win Fiona’s affection. Crow very clearly hated the Bayars, and it would be giving a Bayar exactly what they wanted. Crow however, just claimed that it would be an excellent way to get revenge, and asked that before Han planned on doing it, he came to Aediion. Han was a little confused about the request but followed through with it. Crow seemed to have a reason for everything he did. That made Han wonder, did wizards have sex differently? Was there magic Crow wanted to teach him that would enhance his sex? Besides, what could go wrong?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
  


Something was very wrong. When Han woke up, he was not in his bed. He turned, and saw that he was looking at a woman’s back, and judging by her long, pale hair, it was none other than Fiona Bayar. Seeing this, a couple things sprang to mind. First, the fact that the bed sheets were surprisingly uncomfortable. They were definitely a step up from his linens, but he had expected only the best for the lady Bayar. Then again, out of the two Bayar twins, Micah was clearly the bigger bitch, and would probably demand the better sheets.

The second thing he noticed was that he seemed to be in one piece. He could wiggle all of his toes and fingers, and could see and hear fine. He could also taste something in his mouth(a mystery for later), so he still had his tongue. He groped for where his amulet normally hung around his neck, and was amazed to find it still there. _Maybe this is a dream_ Han thought, _or maybe I was sent to the Maker?_ he quickly dismissed that idea, as there were no dead Bayars around.

“So, **han** dsome” Fiona said in a sultry voice ‘ _wow, that was bad_ ’ Han quickly thought’ “wanna go another round? That trick with the lightning was simply divine.” well, if Fiona wanted me hushed or my amulet stolen, she could have done that already. Might as well indulge while he could.

After thanking Fiona for the good time, Han snuck out of her window and headed towards his dorm. He had a lot to think about with that encounter. With how supple and curvy Fiona was in all the right places, Han was SURE he would have remembered spending some quality time with a body like hers. She had to be the second best he had ever had. Han was no stranger to taking a roll in the hay after some razorleaf or turtle weed, but he would always have at least some hazy recollection of the event. The last thing he remembered was having a magic lesson in Aediion with Crow. Come to think of it, Han only woke up in the library after sessions with Crow.

A week later, Han showed up in Aediion with some questions for Crow, and a shiny new talisman. Crow appeared after a bit on Aediion, and Hand couldn’t quite pin the look on their face. The fucker had a rum street face.

“So, Crow. I have a couple questions for you. First off, why have you been possessing me? And who the hell exactly are you? Are you Gryphon? Did you possess me because you knew that Fiona would never fancy your crippled ass?”. Crow smiled at these questions, and then dramatically flipped his cape up.

“I am not this 'Gryphon' cripple you speak of, but I acknowledge that I had quite a bit of fun with Fiona. She was the second best I have ever had. As for who I am? I am Alger Waterlow, the original owner of your amulet, and also the new owner of your body!” he cackled the last part as he flew at Han. Han however was unimpressed, and a second later “Alger” was ejected. 

“How would I know you are really Alger Waterlow? There aren’t any questions I could ask you that could prove you are who you claim.” Han calmly replied, unimpressed. “And really, what happened with Fiona? I would think she would have at least tried to take my amulet.” Crow, who had at first looked very surprised at the repelling, regained his street face and smiled.

“Well, it's a spell I accidentally invented. It only works while wetting the furs with someone, but it instills an undying sense of loyalty in whoever you cast it on, as well as having a few… other effects in sheets. It was a good thing I used it on her. She had five different knives under the bed as well as a fully charged, spare amulet.

I discovered it when a girlie I was with asked me to use some magic in the bedroom. I wasn’t too experienced with that sort of magic, but I did my best, and discovered the spell. Turns out, she was an assassin who wanted me to use up all of my flash so I would be easy to deal with. I sent her to hush the person who hired her.” Crow/Alger explained.

“So will Fiona do anything I tell her to do now? Could I get her to wear extremely revealing clothing in public to discredit the Bayar name? Or perhaps ask her to reveal all of Micah’s dirty secrets to me?” Han asked, not that he was particularly interested in doing that, at least not at this time. Maybe once he was back in the fells...

“No. She is still Very much Fiona Bayar, however she is ultimately Loyal to you. She will still act like an arrogant, self-centered aristocrat who thinks too highly of herself, but when push comes to shove and she is forced to choose between you and her father, she will choose you.” Crow clarified, while Han put the skimpy outfit idea away for later. “Also, the spell I used is irreversible. No hard feelings, right?.” Crow smiled awkwaedly at Han after that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Han next saw Fiona alone, after the making out he asked her to tell him at the earliest convenience of good chances to screw over or humiliate Micah. Fuck that guy.

Han’s request came to fruition when Fiona informed him that Micah had kidnapped the princess in hiding. _Rum job of hiding she did._ Han snarked to himself. Apparently, Micah intended to get to the fells and marry her. While Han wasn’t too keen on helping Royalty, screwing with Micah took higher priority. Han went and rushed to the stables, and fed all of the horses some turtle weed while Micah was gathering his belongings. If Micah wanted to leave Oden’s Ford, then he would have to do so on foot, and frankly Han didn’t think the rich boy would do it. Who knows, maybe he could seduce the princess as well after saving her. Getting Han's sloppy seconds would really enrage Micah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_*skips to Crimson Crown*_

Han couldn’t believe it. While in the tunnels under Hanalea, he had the poor luck to run into Lord Bayar. As his vision swam, Han could swear he saw someone a few meters behind Bayar. Was that…. Fiona? And what was she picking up off the ground?

“Hey Dad?” Fiona said. Bayar began to turn around in response.

“wha-”

“Vibe check.”

***CRACK***

_Right. Fiona has a rum throwing arm_.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Original title: Han lives only to NTR Micah.
> 
> first off, despite how much I enjoy this pairing, I fully acknowledge that a healthy romantic relationship between the two would be impossible in canon, even if you nudged Han meeting Rasia out of the picture.
> 
> I was inspired by 'Blood on The Rose Petals' (look it up on FF.net if you haven't read it) to write something slow burn that looks at how such a paring could occur, why Fiona feels the need to act the way she does, and how a relationship with Han (even if just to use him at first) would slowly change her mindset. Unfortunately, I understand who I am as a writer, and know I can't do that story justice right now. maybe in a few years I will re-approach the idea, but for now I am going to leave it be. 
> 
> Micah was certainly an annoying character. While I haven't been in a relationship, the idea of having sex with other people while pursuing someone else seems wrong to me. You can certainly call me an old man for that, but its the way I feel. It's like cheating, but with extra steps.
> 
> While I think I got all of the typos and mistakes out, I know I am very fallible and have missed some. If you see any mistakes, or if there is any dialogue you think is particularly bad, let me know.
> 
> on the topic of continuing this story, I may:  
> *tidy and polish this chapter up  
> *flesh out a couple of these paragraphs into actual scenes  
> *write a second chapter feature Rasia
> 
> please give me your comments, criticisms, Kudos, and/or your favorite color. Also it would be great of you told me how to indent. 
> 
> AJ OUT!


End file.
